


i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead (i think i made you up inside my head)

by lunarhalfwit



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Magic, Attempt at Humor, Desperate Attempt at Gay Yearning and Homoerotic Introspection, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Friendship, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, M/M, Magical Realism, Mentioned SEVENTEEN Ensemble, Slow Romance, strictly not for folks who want the main characters canoodling at the end of the first chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23277865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunarhalfwit/pseuds/lunarhalfwit
Summary: He should have not agreed to come with Jeonghan. Now, Jihoon’s heart was addled—more addled than ever. It was as if, the whole time he was listening to the older speak about the wonders of the mirror, he was caught up with a heavy weight settling on his chest. Every word Jeonghan uttered, every minute that passed by, he felt it pressing on him harder. Thrashing, forceful, daunting.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Lee Seokmin | DK, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 52
Kudos: 279
Collections: The Reticent Volcano Keeps





	1. to be written on the mirror in whitewash

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. First and foremost, let us all pretend that the Mirror of Erised was kept inside the Room of Requirement (Harry actually stumbled upon it inside a classroom in the book and film adaptation)—well, creative liberty! Second, descriptions of the mirror, the Room of Requirement, school subjects, magical creatures, and other mentioned parts of the Hogwarts castle were heavily based/lifted from the books, Rowling's interviews and tons of trusted Harry Potter materials/references. Also, I sorted the members into their respective houses based on my own preferences (but I am open for a discussion). Lastly, this particular piece was sitting in my Google Docs for months now and it took me a whole lot of internal debate whether I should publish it here or not. But here you go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What's this?” Jihoon asked.
> 
> Jeonghan unhurriedly peeled the cloth, presenting him a towering, ornate mirror with clawed feet. He surveyed the whole thing, face blank. There was an inscription on the topmost part of the mirror. 
> 
> _"Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi."_ Jihoon breathed. _Odd._ He found it odd. Was that some sort of an incantation? He glanced at his hyung again, searching for an answer.
> 
> “This is the _Mirror of Erised_." Jeonghan answered briefly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I live only here, between your eyes and you,  
>  But I live in your world. What do I do?  
> \--Collect no interest--otherwise what I can;  
> Above all I am not that staring man._
> 
> _—Elizabeth Bishop; "To Be Written on the Mirror in Whitewash"_

* * *

It was sundown when Jihoon reached the Viaduct, the lingering rays of the setting sun illuminating the dimly lit path. Dusks were pretty much the same everyday. Plants were wilting one by one, gradually succumbing to the chills of the oncoming winter. Whilst winter had a slow, languorous feel to it that he had always looked forward to, autumn had gone by too quickly for his own liking. Jihoon should have packed his scarf inside his old, ratty satchel. It was getting colder as days unceremoniously glided by. Well, he would not be here, shivering as the crisp wind flicked his face, if not for Yoon Jeonghan, a seventh year Slytherin and a close friend of his, who owled him during his free period, asking him to meet up after his Ancient Runes class. He could only grunt in response as he had already dedicated his remaining free time in doing his homework on Herbology (the sixth year was eager to learn about a magical plant endemic to Scotland and England called _Snargaluff_ and how to properly extract its pods). With lessons becoming more arduous than ever, Jihoon preferred to make use of his time wisely, implementing a systematic study routine so he would not fall behind. Even if it means spending less time with his friends—he didn't have a lot, truth be told—and more time lodging at the library instead.

  
  


_"Jihoonie!"_

  
  


A familiar voice called. He recoiled upon hearing the doting pet name. Well, it’s Jeonghan— _everyone’s favorite older brother,_ as people loved to dub it. If another person called him that, he might have pulled a jinx or a _petrificus totalus_ on them. Just kidding, he was exaggerating— _or not._

He had spotted his hyung enthusiastically waving his hands up in the air, a huge, roguish grin plastered on his handsome face. Jihoon was still wondering what brought this sudden meetup on but as long as Jeonghan kept them out of trouble and let him return to the common room before curfew (also, he still had a three-foot long essay about _Golpalott’s Third Law_ and had not perfected concocting an antidote referring to the said law yet so, he needed to be back as early as possible to practice; _talk about academic work overload),_ everything would be fine. Or so he hoped.

  
  


“You came! I am honestly chuffed!” Jeonghan chirped, snaking an arm around the younger’s shoulders as they ambled along the quad. “So, how were your classes? I haven't seen you around that much ever since the start of the year! _N.E.W.T._ classes are a pain in the ass but you are way too hard working, Jihoonie! You should be enjoying your youth! And according to a reliable source, you opted to not participate in the Quidditch match against the Hufflepuffs too. That's such a waste! After all, you're Slytherin’s best Keeper!”

“Reliable source, my foot! Soonyoung told you, didn’t he? And please, do not let Chan hear you. The kid was extremely ecstatic when I asked him to be my replacement. Plus, I can barely keep up with the huge amount of schoolwork the professors give us daily. It is physically and mentally taxing! Truly _Nastily Exhausting!_ " Jihoon sighed dejectedly. “You should have seen how devastated Junhui looked when we were trying to turn vinegar into wine for Charms class today! It was hilarious how the liquid inside his glass flask turned frozen solid instead. No one was able to do it anyway. Even Soonyoung who claimed to be the best at this subject.”

Jeonghan let out a cheery laugh, listening to his friend’s babble intently. Jihoon could be endearingly talkative when he wanted to. “Back in sixth year, I remember Seungcheol’s flask exploding when we had that lesson. He was too busy chatting with Joshua about the Quidditch World Cup, forgetting about the correct incantation. And the fact that he had always been great at Charms did not help. Professor Flitwick could only sigh in disappointment. It was a sight to behold.”

“Seungcheol had always been embarrassing.” Jihoon snorted.

“Agreed.” The older smiled, reminded of their younger years. “Anyway! Are you ready to have some fun?”

_Fun?_ _What kind of fun?_ Jihoon’s eyebrows knitted in concern. His hyung always had a different definition of fun and that included hexing people for his own entertainment. Well, he does not hex random students per se— _Jeonghan was not that evil_ —but he did it to folks he found pesky, e.g. stuck up Slytherin purebloods and overweening ruffians (as Jeonghan loved to call it) from other the houses.

Feeling a tad bit nervous about this whole ordeal, Jihoon proceeded to ask. “ _Hyung?_ Where are we going? May I remind you that I refuse to partake in any activity that goes against my morals?”

“Shut up and get off your moral high horse, Jihoonie! What do you take me for?” Jeonghan winked as he tugged Jihoon’s arm, dashing to the empty corridor. “You’ll see what I am talking about!”

  
  


_Bloody hell._

* * *

  
  
  


“Here we are!” Jeonghan eagerly said in a hushed tone, stopping as they set foot on a door opposite the enormous _Troll Tapestry_ , a depiction of _Barnabas the Barmy_ teaching trolls ballet. He could not seem to remember that such an entrance existed here on the seventh floor. Jihoon silently observed his surroundings. With Divination and Arithmancy classes long dismissed, the corridors were usually deserted at this time of the day, students probably heading to the Great Hall for dinner but he could not help but be wary of wandering souls. Hopefully, no one had seen them loitering around the halls.

Jihoon stared at the door, a bit iffy. “It's my first time seeing this. Had it always been here?”

_“Sometimes it is there, sometimes it is not.”_ Jeonghan casually answered, observing his reactions with mirth.

To say Jihoon was baffled is an understatement. “I do not understand?”

“May I present to you—drum rolls, please—the _Room of Requirement!_ "

_“The room of what?”_ Jihoon asked, completely gobsmacked.

  
  


“ _The Room of Requirement!_ I cannot believe this is the first time you are hearing about this! I know you are very much confused but let me explain it to you. It only appears when you are in great need of it. You have to be specific about what you need though. The room transforms itself to whatever the person demands at the moment.”

Fascinating. It was not impossible the castle held a lot of secret passages and doorways hence, this magical room.

“Flabbergasting, isn’t it?” Jeonghan clapped his hands together in enthusiasm. Jihoon just nodded, still in awe. “But of course, the room has its own rules and limitations. If you're aware of the _five Principal Exceptions to Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfiguration_ , you cannot conjure something out of thin air. For example, food, like a platter of steak and kidney pudding! If you are starving, it couldn't provide you something to eat. A bummer, honestly. But enough trivia! Let us come in before someone catches us. Although, I could simply say I am doing my Head Boy duties, Mr. Filch and his grouchy cat may not buy that.”

_“Wait!"_ Jihoon hesitated. He was not the type to get easily terrified but Merlin forbids something vicious living there, like a mountain troll or a _cockatrice_. “Are you sure it's safe to come in?”

“Of course! To calm you down and to assure you that a basilisk is not guarding the door, I've been there plenty of times. Come on, Jihoonie. I wouldn't bring you here if it was risky.” Jeonghan coaxed. 

He just shrugged. _Well, here goes nothing._ The older yanked the door open, revealing a spacious but terribly cluttered room. “After you, Jihoonie.”

Jihoon went inside first, rushing past Jeonghan with a swirl of weighty robes. The room was not dark but it was not well-lit either, the only source of light flickering, nearly dying. It awfully smelled like a mixture of dust and rust (likely from the metalwares) that made his nose scrunch in obvious aversion. The room was full of damaged furniture, chairs, desks and old cabinets haphazardly stacked on top of one another. There were thousands of books, hardcovers and paperbacks, some neatly stockpiled on bookshelves, some were assembled on the floor. There were frames and portraits, most of it covered with a huge black cloak. A few broomsticks, disassembled armors, cauldrons, even cages, probably languished there for years now. He trudged inside, careful not to touch anything.

_“What do you think?”_

“I don’t know, hyung. You asked me to come with you for... _this?_ ” Jihoon inquired, utterly miffed. 

_Unbelievable!_ He could have been eating some good dessert right now, a treacle tart to be exact or writing his Potions essay which was due next week (but the earlier he finished it, the better).

Jeonghan hooted with laughter, enjoying the look of displeasure on the younger wizard’s face. It only aggravated Jihoon more.

_“I am this close,”_ Jihoon held up his fingers, looking like he was holding a piece of thread. “To walking away, hyung! What are we even doing here? I want answers. Right now.”

Jeonghan had only given him an affectionate pet on the head in reply.

_“Hyung!"_

“Now, now, Jihoonie. Calm down and follow me. There's something I want you to see.”

Jihoon continued to protest even as Jeonghan led him to the corner of the room where a huge artefact covered with a red cloth was standing. He did not notice it when he went in, the room being messy enough as it is.

“What's this?” Jihoon asked.

Jeonghan unhurriedly peeled the cloth, presenting him a towering, ornate mirror with clawed feet. He surveyed the whole thing, face blank. There was an inscription on the topmost part of the mirror. 

_"Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi."_ Jihoon breathed. _Odd._ He found it odd. Was that some sort of an incantation? He glanced at his hyung again, searching for an answer.

“This is the _Mirror of Erised_." Jeonghan answered briefly. Jihoon had only sent him cautious looks. “Do not give me that eye, young man. It is nothing dangerous nor nightmarish. I promise.”

“I am not sure, hyung. It looks... _dodgy._ ” Jihoon said, dubiously eyeing the elder. “So, what should I do?”

“Just look at your reflection in the mirror.”

“Fine.” Jihoon relented, quietly observing his reflection. “I am only seeing myself.”

“Wait for a few moments, Jihoonie. _You will see what you want to see._ ”

A few minutes ticked by, he looked... _normal._ Nothing out of the ordinary. But all of a sudden, Jihoon sucked in a gasp as he saw another figure surfacing in the mirror. He squinted at the reflection for the second time. 

  
  


_No way._

  
  


Lo and behold, a smiling Soonyoung appeared to be standing beside him—caging him in what seemed to be a _romantic embrace_. He quickly turned around and saw no one. Taking a glimpse of it again, he saw Soonyoung, grinning at him like a Cheshire cat, eyes disappearing into slits as he tightened the hug. _Sweet Merlin, he always looked the best when he smiles._

He looked at Jeonghan, the older watching him intently with a mischievous glint in his eyes. _“What do you see?”_

  
  


“ _Hyung?_ I think the mirror is playing tricks on me,” he mumbled, voice laced with a tinge of panic. Jihoon gawked at the man in the mirror, feeling an inexplicable burning on his chest. “Why am I seeing Soonyoung huddled beside me? _He's not even here!_ ”

In the midst of all this, Jeonghan grew more amused than ever.

“Are you playing a prank on me?”

Jeonghan only smiled at the accusation. “I am not. Do you want me to look at my own reflection and tell you what I am seeing?”

“Be my guest.”

Jihoon stepped aside to let Jeonghan look at the mirror. A forlorn smile immediately crept up on the older’s face upon gazing at it. It was almost— _plaintive,_ one of the rare times he seemed so vulnerable. Jeonghan averted his eyes from the reflection, noticing the look of concern adorning his junior’s features. In a split second, the whirl of desolation on the wizard’s face was masked by some fake ardor Jihoon was especially familiar with.

“ _Jeonghan hyung?_ Is everything alright? What did you see?”

“I can see us winning the upcoming Quidditch match against the Hufflepuffs.” Jeonghan replied, a little too nonchalant. Being adopted to his hyung’s tightly knitted social circle back when he was still a timid first year and currently being one of his most trusted friends, Jihoon had always seen through his lies but he decided not to prod any longer, sensing that the matter might be a personal one.

“Now, come Jihoonie. Look at your reflection again.”

Jihoon nervously sauntered beside Jeonghan, tightly closing his eyes shut and taking a deep breath. Shyly peeking at his reflection, he spotted Soonyoung again, his smile unwavering and still radiant as ever. Mustering the courage to speak, he turned to a quiet Jeonghan.

“Dare I ask why does this bloody mirror keep on showing Soonyoung when he's not even here with us?” _And the most unusual part of it all? His arms were securely wrapped around me, eyes fond, making it seem he likes me,_ Jihoon wanted to profess. “What's this magical artefact trying to say? Why are we seeing what we are seeing?”

“The Mirror of Erised shows the deepest, most desperate desires of a man’s heart. If you study it closely, the words engraved in its golden frame actually say _‘I show not your face but your heart's desire’_ backwards. Each person is unique, whatever you see in the mirror is entirely exclusive to you. If you ask me to look at it right now, I wouldn't be able to see what you are seeing.” Jeonghan explained, eyes still trained on the magical mirror. “What the mirror shows isn't knowledge nor the truth. Your deepest yearning could be something attainable, oftentimes, impossible. Wondrous and dismal at the same time, isn’t it?”

In a flash, he felt all muddled and faint. Immense feelings of anxiety taking over his entire being. “Apologies if I am not reacting to this news with appropriate excitement but I am honestly befuddled. What do you mean by 'most desperate desires of a man’s heart?’ Are you implying that I am—”

  
  


“ _Intensely, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Kwon Soonyoung and you are seeing him in the mirror because he's the one your heart is yearning for?_ Well, that is a big yes.” Jeonghan interrupted.

  
  


“So, are you telling me that these... _silly_ reflections are actually projections of what you are pining for?” Jihoon’s face turned crimson from realization. 

_No, no, no._

" _This is not happening._ Just no." Jihoon whispered, shaking his head in disbelief, looking like a second away from a nervous breakdown.

“Oh, come on now, Lee Jihoon! On a scale of one to ten, how bad would it be if you stop being in a constant state of denial? It's not good for your health—”

Jihoon did not let him finish and yelled _“A hundred!”_

“Was only asking on a scale of one to ten, Jihoonie. Your answer was way off the charts!” Jeonghan teased. Jihoon glowered as he turned his back against Jeonghan to walk away from the scene. “ _Hey!_ Where are you going?”

“I would rather be pecked to death by a flock of hippogriffs!” Jihoon groused, almost tripping off on a hoard of cauldrons, nearly scuffing his knees on the floor.

“Wait! I had thought.”

_Oh no,_ Jihoon murmured in utter incredulity.

_“Is it fitting to call a group of hippogriffs a ‘flock?'”_

The younger shot him a glare, exasperated. “I don't know, hyung. They are half-birds! Ask Hagrid! And I couldn't believe your brain only focused on that! Wait—is it really necessary to chew over this?”

Jeonghan smirked. “The hippogriffs? No. _But your feelings for Soonyoung?_ Yes.”

  
  


_Feelings?_ Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks.

He was overcome with a sense of dread as he leered at the mirror dazedly. This was not the first time he felt these strange, conflicting emotions. Just when he thought he triumphantly quelled any lingering feelings he harbored for Soonyoung a year ago—it was nothing, really, dismissing it as pure admiration for a reliable boon companion. Lee Jihoon does not do feelings, or at least he was not supposed to.

_“Jihoonie.”_ Jeonghan called, his tone light, pulling him out of his trance. “I can hear you thinking from a mile away. A penny for your thoughts?”

  
  


“Hyung,” Jihoon began, nervously fiddling his robes. Jeonghan visibly softened at the sight. “Soonyoung is just a friend. _He is just a friend.”_

_“Well, is he?”_  
  


* * *

Jihoon had found himself restlessly pacing outside the Slytherin Dungeons, pondering about what happened in the Room of Requirement. He was embarrassed to say the least. He stormed out of the room, mouthing an apprehensive _"he is just a friend”_ as a response to Jeonghan’s blunt inquiry. He felt guilty for leaving him behind but he was overwhelmed by a flurry of trepidation the moment he was confronted about his feelings. He hid himself inside the disused seventh floor bathroom for an hour until he calmed down, ignoring his rumbling stomach and the unbearable throbbing of his chest. On his way back to the dorms, Jihoon accidentally bumped into Professor Longbottom, asking why he was not present at the Great Hall for the feast. He lied about losing track of his time studying at the library. Much to his luck, the thoughtful man let it slide, giving him a sympathetic clap on the back and wishing him good luck for his academic pursuits and the upcoming exams. At least he did not lose some house points for walking down the halls despite breaking the curfew—his housemates would not hesitate to break his nose for that.

Jeonghan got the cogs of his brain working too fast, truth be told.

  
  


_“Soonyoung is just a friend.”_

_“Well, is he?”_

  
  


His mind badly wanted to say yes but deep within the recesses of his heart, the answer was no. Pretending to be friends was all they ever would be was a gamble. 

_A gamble he might have lost a long time ago._

He let out a long, audible breath of hopelessness. He probably should take all these doleful musings inside his bedroom before someone catches him loafing outside the entrance. He sighed heavily for the umpteenth time that day before whispering the password _“Pureblood”_ (he could only roll his eyes at their choice of passwords—foolish twats and their obsession with blood heritage). Jihoon quietly trudged the passage leading to the common room, careful not to make his presence known and wake anyone.

He was about to make a beeline straight to the shared bedroom when he spotted a silhouette sitting on one of the posh, button-tufted leather couches near the fireplace.

_“Who's there?”_ A familiar voice echoed inside the dungeon-like room.

Jihoon’s eyes widened in panic as he recognized the owner of the voice at once. He remained rooted on his spot, his legs suddenly felt like jelly and his hands began to get clammy. _Bugger._ Out of all the people he could encounter! It meant he had to interact with the other, a conversation was inevitable knowing that chatterbox.

  
  


_“Jihoonie?”_ Pause. _“Jihoonie, is that you?”_

  
  


“Y-yes,” Jihoon spluttered unattractively. “Yes, it’s me.”

He traipsed towards the carved chairs and saw Soonyoung cozily sitting there, clad in silk midnight blue pyjama bottoms and his favorite white hoodie that offset his late summer tan (a hoodie which was, in fact, a gift he had received from Jihoon on his birthday), an open book on his lap. Soonyoung beamed at the sight of his friend, his grin instantly making Jihoon’s stomach queasy. He always carried a kind of warmth with him. A ray of sunshine in the fog of unrelenting bleakness— _Seungcheol’s words, not his._

“Hi.” Soonyoung greeted, tone genial, running his fingers through his artfully messy raven hair.

He hummed in acknowledgment, words seemingly stuck in his throat. The wizard lightly patted the space beside him, a silent request for him to take a seat. Jihoon flushed at the gesture but acquiesced anyway, flopping down at the other end of the couch. The farther their distance was, the better.

  
  


_“I was waiting for you.”_

  
  


Jihoon’s heartbeat quickened. “Why?”

“You skipped dinner. _Again._ No one even knew about your whereabouts. I was worried!” Soonyoung pouted. Jihoon was conflicted whether he wanted to feed him to a _manticore_ or kiss that pout away. “Where have you been? It was past curfew! Have you eaten?”

He shook his head, earning a glare from Soonyoung. “I was proofreading my Potions essay, okay?” A total lie. “Then I did some research about _Baruffio’s Brain Elixir_ , foregoing dinner in exchange of, you know, _more knowledge._ ” Another lie.

“You awfully sounded like Wonwoo for a moment. His study habits are rubbing off on you! I could've mistaken you as a Ravenclaw.” Soonyoung grumbled as he handed him a plate of turkey sandwich and treacle tart, their fingers grazing for a brief moment. He winced at the contact; if the other had noticed, he did not comment on it. “Help yourself. Saved it for you when no one was looking. I know these are your favorites.”

_Oh._ That was thoughtful of him, such a heartwarming gesture. Jihoon willed away the ruddiness rapidly creeping up on his face but could not refrain his lips from slightly curving upwards.

“Thank you,” he gratefully mumbled, taking a huge bite on the sandwich. He was famished.

Soonyoung grinned at him in reply, focusing his attention back on the book. A comfortable silence engulfed the Common Room, saved for the sound of Soonyoung turning the pages of his book and the fire crackling. Jihoon absent-mindedly nibbled on his sandwich, swamped in his own thoughts, tracing and trailing through the history of his friendship with Soonyoung. From beneath his lashes, he took this moment to subtly examine his friend’s features. Soonyoung lost some weight, definitely from working out and playing Quidditch for years. His cheeks were not as plump as before, putting an emphasis on his sharp jawline. He looked more devastatingly handsome like this, serious and focused. He was not the same loud, hyperactive kid he met six years ago, the one who had never ceased to nettle Jihoon with his idle chatter. He had matured, often needing his own space to reflect and some quiet downtime. But he could still be excessively chirpy and chatty around the people he was comfortable with, willingly taking on the role as everyone’s happy pill alongside Seokmin and Seungkwan. Time sure ran quick.

_“Jihoonie?”_ Soonyoung called, snapping him out of his reverie. He did not even notice Soonyoung was watching him closely, eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Are you okay? Is there something on my face?”

He casted his eyes down on his half-eaten sandwich, face beet red. “Nothing! Uhh, what...what are you reading?” A lame attempt to change the topic.

" _The Black Sheep by Honoré De Balzac_ , a muggle book I borrowed from Wonwoo yesterday,” he replied as he showed him the cover of the tattered, musty paperback. Jihoon internally sighed in relief when Soonyoung took the bait. “Wonderful cast of characters, heavy on melodrama though. But it's compelling and entertaining. You could say I am hooked.”

Jihoon opened his mouth to politely commend his friend, but what came out was, “I was not informed you are into reading. You used to fall asleep at the sight of it.”

Soonyoung scoffed. “Hey! I was a lazy first year back then! I will have you know this is the third book I have read this month.”

“And what were the first two titles?” Jihoon asked, there was a faint teasing lilt in his tone.

Perhaps not wanting to gloat but prove him wrong, Soonyoung’s face morphed into a serious one but failed miserably. “ _Northern Lights by Philip Pullman_ and _The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson._ ”

“Ah, classics. Wonwoo’s book recommendations are really something else.”

“Of course! What do you expect from a Ravenclaw? Plus, muggle literature is fairly impressive. _Quidditch Through the Ages_ didn't give me this kind of satisfaction.” Jihoon tittered at that. “Also, I overheard some girls saying bibliophiles are charming. Extra brownie points.”

Jihoon clicked his tongue in mock contempt. “Reading to impress the female population, I see.”

Soonyoung let out an airy laugh, cheeks hunching up, making him look infuriatingly squishy. _Cute._ “I was kidding. I was actually searching for new hobbies. Hansol suggested getting a pet dragon. But there is no way I am smuggling a baby _Swedish Short-Snout_ or a baby _Hungarian Horntail_ here at Hogwarts. The professors would kick me out! Besides, I do not see the need for a new pet. I am quite happy cuddling with _Woozi_ whenever he's in a good mood.”

Woozi was Soonyoung’s pet cat. A white, odd-eyed British Shorthair. He was thick and rounded, placid but can be fearfully snobbish at times. The furry animal had taken an odd liking to him, jumping on his lap whenever he was around, much to the owner’s dismay ( _"The betrayal!”_ Soonyoung complained all the time). Well, Soonyoung named his cat after him anyway. _The reason why he sticks to you like glue,_ Junhui concluded. Woozi was his childhood nickname (a story for another day) and an elated 11 year old Soonyoung insisted that his charming cat resembled Jihoon, ergo the feline’s name.

The conversation flowed without a hitch after that, Jihoon’s meal long forgotten. Soonyoung droned about his quest in looking for a new pastime while Jihoon listened to him attentively, throwing comments here and there whenever appropriate. They talked about Quidditch, their class projects, the stark differences between muggle and wizard literature which almost resulted in a heated debate, muggle musicians (Radiohead versus Oasis, a discussion about who was the better rock band), and the latest tales circulating around the student population.

“Have you noticed something different about Jun and Wonwoo lately?” Soonyoung asked.

Jihoon tried to recount all those times he joined the two. “What’s up?”

“With Seungkwan’s loud mouth, I am quite surprised that the valuable information— _hey, do not look at me like that._ His words, not mine! As I was saying, it was surprising it had not reached you yet. Even the Hufflepuffs cannot stop twaddling about it.”

Now Jihoon’s interest was piqued. “What is it about anyway? You know me, I am not into tittle-tattle.”

“Apparently, Jun had confessed to Wonwoo during our last Hogsmeade weekend trip.”

_What?_ “For real? I thought he liked Minghao!”

“Surprising, right?” He nodded. “Hearing Jun gush about Minghao in front of us often, you would probably think he was crushing on him. But no, all this time, he had his eyes set for someone else. You know what's vexing? Wonwoo thought it was an idiotic prank gone wrong and that Jun was accidentally put under the influence of _amortentia_.”

Jihoon was dumbfounded. Why do confessions seem like a messy affair? It was borderline frightening.

He tried not to entertain such thoughts and went back to the conversation. “Let me guess. Junhui got dumped?”

“Sadly, yes. Wonwoo dismissed Jun before the poor man could even finish his speech. With my best friend’s emotional constipation issues and Jun’s unwillingness to properly explain himself, it might take them a while to talk. I honestly feel bad for the both of them.”

Soonyoung sat back and exhaled deeply. 

“ _Love is...extremely complicated._ What if you only like the idea of being in love? Or what if you are just mistaking another emotion as love? While it might feel true, is there a possibility that the thought you are having is in fact false? Your brain tells you to do these things and forces your heart to follow suit. Often, you simply cannot know for sure that what you are feeling is... _true._ What if it is a mere infatuation heightened by the heat of the moment? What if it is just a platonic adoration for a good friend mistaken as romantic feelings? In these cases, it's helpful to remind yourself that your thinking might be wrong. I don't know. I cannot fully grasp this whole will-they-or-won’t-they trope either. Ah, I am sorry. Am I making any sense?” Soonyoung smiled, rubbing his nape sheepishly.

Jihoon had never breached this territory. It was easier to ignore such feelings than act on it, he believed. This was all new to him. He released all the pent up feelings through other activities like flying around in circles at the Quidditch pitch, practicing some defensive spells (just in case of an attack, it was better to be prepared) or sometimes, relying on music and composing songs. He usually shrugged these emotions off with thinly concealed indifference.

Since they were on the topic of love, this might be the right time to finally ask his friend about it. He was not exactly sure where this sudden confidence was coming from but it was now or never. He might never get the opportunity to ask Soonyoung again. This long repressed attraction would be the death of him.

  
  


“Jihoonie—”

  
  


_“Soonyoung.”_ Jihoon cut him off, pinching and rubbing his ear, something he did unconsciously when feeling skittish. Slowly, he twisted his body to face his friend, posture stiff, hesitation radiating off of him.

  
  


"What about you? Do you...do you _fancy_ anyone right now?”

  
  


Jihoon wished he could glance at Soonyoung without a mad blush rising on the apple of his cheeks but it was unpreventable given the circumstance he was in. 

The latter remained quiet for a few minutes before closing the book, a wistful smile slipping up on his lips.

  
  


_“Jeonghan hyung was right. You are dense as a rock.”_

  
  


_“Excuse me?”_ He was offended. "What does that even mean?” 

“Should I repeat what I’ve said? You are dense as a rock—”

“Sod off. I heard you the first time. _Like you are any better!_ ” Jihoon hissed bitterly. How dare he talk like that when the other was completely oblivious about his feelings?

Standing up, Soonyoung just grinned at him, fondly ruffling his hair. He was too stunned to even swat his housemate’s hand away. “ _Forget it._ I am sorry for cutting this short but I am hitting the sack.”

“But you haven’t answered my question.”

“Think about it, Jihoonie. Do you think I am harboring feelings for someone at the moment? Does someone come to mind? Anyone I am treating differently from the rest?”

Well, that was not helpful at all. Did that mean Soonyoung likes someone right now? But who? Could it be Seokmin? The fifth year Hufflepuff was indeed lovely, his smile rivaling the brightness of the sun. Definitely one of Jihoon’s favorite people (it was impossible to loathe him). The pair were always seen hanging out at the greenhouse—no one could beat their love for Herbology. A beautiful girl from Gryffindor he forgot the name of could also be one of the choices. She had never failed to shower him with bouts of affection, bringing him home cooked meals whenever she could back then (she had given Jihoon plenty of boxes of peanut butter cookies once as a way to show her gratitude for being a good friend to Soonyoung— _who even does that?_ ). Or could it be Wonwoo? Despite being polar opposites, the two were joined by the hip. They have been friends since diapers, both men coming from affluent Pureblood families. Wonwoo had always been protective of Soonyoung too, he noticed. He would defend his best friend against an army of dementors with a spoon if it came down to it. But did not Soonyoung insinuate that his best friend might possibly have feelings for Junhui?

Jihoon felt something sink in the pit of his stomach the more he thought about it. He remained immobile for a few minutes, almost resembling a statue.

He looked up only to see an unmistakable gleam of amusement in Soonyoung’s eyes. 

“Why are you suddenly intrigued about my romantic trysts? _Or the lack thereof._ ” Soonyoung demanded, taking a few steps toward Jihoon’s tense figure on the couch, much to his chagrin.

“I am just... _curious?_ Yes, right! Curious.” Jihoon squawked. His friend raised a suspicious brow at that, surveying him with intense, calculating eyes. Sweat began dribbling down his forehead despite the coldness of the room, the green tie under his collar felt so tight. It was both a blessing and a curse that Soonyoung knew him better than anyone else. “Can I not be curious? I thought we were friends.”

He mentally congratulated himself for being able to keep his voice from wavering. He could feel his heart hammering against his ribcage as he waited for Soonyoung’s retort but instead, he was met with utter silence. The wizard’s face remained impassive as Jihoon started feeling antsy. Did he figure it all out? Did Soonyoung manage to see through his lies?

“You don't have to answer if you feel uncomfortable. I was curious, that’s all—”

Soonyoung chuckled, gently patting Jihoon’s head with the book he was holding to stop him from gabbling.

  
  


_“And here I thought I was being obvious.”_

  
  
  


Who knew those eight words would seal the deal? It was a stifling statement that conveyed so much. It was once more quiet, an achingly awkward five minutes elapsed before he finally decided to break the ice.

  
  


_“You do like someone."_ Jihoon rasped. _“Can I ask who?”_

Soonyoung smiled. While certainly beautiful and soul-stirring, it was almost somber. It did not quite reach his eyes. Who was this person? Why does he look so sad? After Jihoon’s uncharacteristically tender inquiry, he at least deserved an answer, right? He needed to know if he had a chance—or if he should just let the strong ocean currents wash away these feelings and move on.

  
  
  
  


_“Ask around. They know.”_

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Thania who patiently aided me through my entire writing process, to Eri who supports me like no other and for beta reading this entire mess for me, and to Kimmy for her inputs, positive feedback and willingness to listen to my absurd ideas.
> 
> Fic title was from a stanza of a favorite Sylvia Plath poem of mine, "Mad Girl's Love Song." This would be a part of a series. The main focus of this fic would be be on Jihoon and Soonyoung's developing relationship for now but other members would appear one by one as the story progresses—more ships, complicated feelings and possible drama to come! Expect additional tags to be added or replaced in every chapter update.
> 
> Sincerely hoping everyone's doing well despite the virus outbreak and enhanced community quarantine. Stay hydrated and drink your vitamins! Also, I have nothing to promote but solusyong medikal hindi militar! Yes to mass testing! Tulong hindi kulong! #SerbisyoHindiPasismo
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own anything. You can check my purse.
> 
> Feel free to comment if you have any questions, violent reactions or suggestions. Apologies in advance for any grammatical errors and awful characterizations. Do not hesitate to point those out. Any kind of criticisms are very much appreciated. A feedback and kudos would be nice. Hoping you enjoyed. Thank you!


	2. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had been troubled, unduly so, with how this one disgruntling reflection in the mirror preceded a series of heart-to-hearts with some friends that kindled some measly speck of hope. It latched on his skin, prickled down his spine. But hope was a dangerous thing. It meant acting on his feelings— _a confession_ —no, he could not afford to ruminate on the idea. It would change everything, the nerve-wracking image of being rejected beginning to take a threatening shape. 
> 
> He stared at the mirror for a moment after reading the inscription backwards, then a figure began surfacing—the same figure he had seen the first time. There it was, the projection of his yearning and perhaps, _a mockery._ A ghastly reminder of what he wanted them to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _there’s a bluebird in my heart that  
>  wants to get out  
> but I’m too tough for him,  
> I say, stay in there, I’m not going  
> to let anybody see  
> you._
> 
> _—Charles Bukowski; "Bluebird"_
> 
>   
> **Content Warning: Implied themes of discrimination.**

* * *

_“What could have possibly gotten your knickers in a twist so early in the morning, Lee Jihoon?”_ Seungkwan asked as he laid down a plate of sausages, a sunny side up and fried potatoes right in front of him. 

It was a tranquil, slightly cold Tuesday morning at the Great Hall, the enchanted ceiling displaying thin, wispy clouds that streak across the blue sky. From the sumptuous meals prepared by Hogwarts’ most diligent house-elves to the fair weather outside, everything was marvelous—until Jihoon barged in, a scowl adorning his usually inscrutable face, charcoal hair tousled, sticking out in all directions and his robes unusually wrinkled. He had always been prim and proper—except when he was eating— _but do not not tell him that._ He did not even bother to say hello, irresponsibly plonking his books on the table with a loud thud (which earned him some nasty glares from their housemates).

“That’s Jihoon _hyung_ for you, _Boo Seungkwan_.” Jihoon snarked, plopping beside Hansol who was quietly munching on his buttered toast, the blue on his robes and tie standing out in a sea of green and silver hues.

This was already a typical scene at the Slytherin table. The bright-eyed, bushy-tailed Seungkwan dining with the handsome and reserved Hansol who was tuning in to whatever the Slytherin was keenly prattling about, it could be a conspiracy theory he had read at _The Quibbler_ or some distasteful gossip proliferated by a journalist wannabe from _The Daily Prophet_ —indifferent from the hysterics and frenzied din filling the huge gathering hall, unfazed by the scathing glances and innumerable taunts thrown in their way for simply enjoying a meal together. The two were inseparable even before they started dating—wherever Seungkwan was, you would see Hansol trailing behind or vice versa. Despite everything, they seemed content, radiant smiles plastered on their faces with love pouring out of their eyes. It was truly _admirable._

The younger hummed unapologetically, reaching for the basket of rolls. “Whatever, _hyung_.” 

No one could truly beat this man’s innate grouchiness, Seungkwan mused. Do not get him wrong. Jihoon was indeed a very nice man and a fairly generous friend but he could be quite surly when he was in one of his _moods_. There was one time a seventh year Slytherin tried slipping a constipation-inducing product (courtesy of the Weasley twins) on an exceptionally pettish Jihoon’s orange juice during breakfast but the younger one, being the most perceptive in their clique, immediately took heed of it. 

_“You boil-brained moldwarp! Do you think that’s entertaining?”_ Jihoon bellowed, livid, his wand dangerously jabbing the column of the man’s throat. As much as they got a buzz out of watching the terror-stricken wizard plead for mercy— _come on, the prank was mean and amateurish! Plus, the bully deserved it_ —an equally perturbed Soonyoung and Seungcheol had to intervene before Jihoon could successfully cast a _Knockback Jinx_ on him (that could have definitely sent them all to detention and made them lose house points in the process). He grinned at the memory.

“Stop that.” Jihoon muttered threateningly as he stabbed the poor bacon strips with a fork on the serving platter.

“Stop _what_ exactly?” Seungkwan challenged, raising an eyebrow at him. 

“Looking so... _merry_.” The older scrunched his nose in revulsion. “It’s making me nauseous.”

Thirteen year old Seungkwan would be very much terrified to even think about ruffling Jihoon’s feathers but everyone knew how soft-hearted the older actually was more than he let on. Years had passed and no one was spooked by his hyung’s seemingly standoffish facade and intimidating remarks anymore. The more time he had spent with their small group of friends, the faster he had mellowed down. He was fun to be with, cackling at his or Soonyoung’s dumbest jokes, teasing Mingyu endlessly or teaming up with Junhui or Jeonghan for some clever schemes. Although Jihoon still had the tendency to be an odd mix of withdrawn and eggy more often than not, contrary to popular belief, he treasured the people around him dearly, showing his affinity for everyone through his own subtle ways.

“ _Oops!_ My sincerest apologies, _Your Majesty_.” 

Hansol nudged his boyfriend under the table, a hushed plea to to leave Jihoon alone and to stop him from riling up their crabby hyung more. Seungkwan only glowered at him in response.

“As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, what triggered this... _foul_ mood? I mean, if I also have Professor Snape for my first subject, I would be extremely unnerved. But what has gotten you so _uncharacteristically_ grumpy?” The younger Slytherin inquired.

Jihoon refused to acknowledge the younger’s inquiry. But judging from the dark circles under the older’s eyes, it seemed like he was not able to sleep a wink last night. He seemed ill at ease, absent-mindedly (and quite aggressively) stirring his porridge as the metal spoon hitting the side of the bowl made a maddening, clanking noise.

Seungkwan’s eyebrows knitted in concern. _“Earth to hyung? Hello?”_

“I am not deaf, Kwan,” the older grumbled, running his hands through his unkempt hair, trying to tame the wild strands. “As you can see, I am knackered, a bit green and overall out of sorts due to sleep deprivation. I haven’t slept for more than 4 hours the whole week, worrying about the upcoming N.E.W.T.s. Also, I am very much unprepared for today’s lessons because I had to abandon my study plans for yesterday. Jeonghan hyung thought it would be gratifying to bring me somewhere and watch me mull over my feelings for...”

Jihoon trailed off, suddenly aware that he was carelessly rambling. He almost spilled the name of his _secret crush_ (although he doesn’t want to give it a label, he did not know what else to call it) for the whole table to hear. _Bloody hell,_ that could have been disastrous. The couple shared a brief look, a glint of curiosity flickering in their eyes. He swore he had seen Seungkwan’s ears perk up at the mention of _feelings._

Jihoon hurriedly stood up, collecting his books in agitation. He must flee the scene before the two could interrogate him more.

_“Not so fast, Jihoon hyung."_ Seungkwan spoke, stopping the older one on his tracks. “Take a seat and finish your breakfast. You look like you are going to zonk out any minute now, by the way.”

Jihoon emitted a long, audible breath in despair as he returned on the bench with leaden steps, albeit hesitant. He could have made a clean escape but decided not to. It was futile, knowing Seungkwan would never stop chasing him after hearing the slip up and would nag his ear off for skipping breakfast. The younger was watching his every move like a hawk, making him a tad bit antsy from where he sat. Hansol mouthed a soundless _“cut him some slack”_ to his boyfriend upon noticing Jihoon’s unease. _Thank you Merlin for Chwe Hansol._ Jihoon had given him a stoical grin as a sign of gratitude.

He ate in silence for about fifteen minutes while the couple discussed their homeworks in Divination and Care of Magical Creatures amongst themselves. With his stomach now full and energy somehow replenished, he was less snappish but more keyed up about _the talk_. Noticing their housemates were leaving the hall one by one to rush to their respective classes, Seungkwan seized this opportunity to start extracting information out of him. There were still a few rowdy second years hanging around the table but they were far enough to be out of earshot, giving them the privacy they needed.

“So, Jihoon hyung,” he drawled as he leaned closer, hands clasped together, remarkably engrossed. The younger one had been goading him for some _juicy_ revelation for a while now, like he knew something everyone did not—Jeonghan was a bad influence on these kids. “What kind of feelings are we talking about here? Anger? Gloom? Hopelessness? _Love?_ ”

Jihoon feigned calmness and took a swig of his drink, trying to seem impervious to his junior’s bluntness. “I truly adore both of you but kindly spare me from your probing.”

“Admitting your adoration for the two of us could not sway me!” Seungkwan exclaimed. “Are these feelings the sole reason for your lack of sleep the past few nights? Do not fret, hyung. Your secret is safe with us! Right, love? I swear on Salazar’s grave and Hansolie’s _Chocolate frog_ card collection!”

Hansol nodded, more preoccupied with the cream puffs and éclairs. Jihoon could only roll his eyes at that, patience wearing thin. “First and foremost, I don’t think you are worthy of my trust after broadcasting Junhui’s failed attempt at confessing his devotion to Wonwoo to the whole crew.”

“Hey! I happened to pass by and only narrated what happened to Jeonghan hyung and Seokmin—”

Jihoon waved his hand dismissively, cutting the younger off. “And secondly, _no,_ Seungkwan. I told you. I was too busy studying for N.E.W.T.s the past few nights, ergo the lack of sleep.”

Seungkwan pressed forward, relentless. “But we clearly heard you mention something about _feelings_ —”

_“I am not even certain about those feelings yet, okay?”_ he blurted, now visibly upset.

Guilt wracked Seungkwan’s conscience for broaching the subject, he might have crossed the line. “I am sorry, hyung.”

“No, it’s fine.” Jihoon quickly replied, abashed for almost losing his temper. _Might as well tell them the truth without dropping names._ “Promise me you would keep this a secret. _Not a word._ Or I would stop helping you with your _Everlasting Elixirs_ and _Wit-Sharpening Potions_ anymore. Are we clear?”

The two nodded, eagerness twined across their shoulders.

“Now, where do I begin? These feelings have this icky mush that makes my skin crawl.” He groaned, much to the couple’s surprise.

Seungkwan tittered at his brusque statement. _“So, you do like someone.”_

_“Yes? No?_ I honestly don’t know. I told you, I am not sure about these... _feelings."_ Jihoon murmured. “It did not help that I had to face the root of all these confusion and unrest hours after realization, only to learn that he fancies someone else. He even insinuated that everyone knew about it but me. He would not budge and tell me about it.”

“Hold up a second, hyung.” Seungkwan demanded, perplexed. Hansol was a different case, probably off the right track since the beginning. “What do you mean? _Soonyoung hyung likes someone else?_ We are talking about Soonyoung hyung here, right? I mean, it was as clear as day. But wait! I thought _—that bootless barnacle, really!_ I frankly expected more from him—”

Jihoon could feel his leg muscles tightening, fight or flight response triggered after hearing _Soonyoung’s_ name. What the hell was Seungkwan rambling about? _How?_ “How did you even know I was talking about that _bloke?_ ”

Was he that obvious? With Soonyoung’s blinding good looks (he would rather sacrifice himself to the _Whomping Willow_ than admit this out loud), indisputable wit and endless faux-flirting, he had always made sure to keep the blushing and stuttering at bay. If Seungkwan and Jeonghan knew, it was plausible that their entire clique was already aware of it too.

“ _Wait_. I am not sure if I am following but _aren’t you guys dating already?_ ” Hansol interjected, speaking up for the first time, startling both Jihoon and Seungkwan. The oldest of the three flushed at the statement, feeling immensely self-conscious at the unexpected question addressed to him. “ _What?_ Why are you looking at me like I am puking _flobberworms_? I have always thought you and Soonyoung hyung are seeing each other in secret and are still not ready to tell us yet, so no one had the gall to bother you about it out of respect _—well, except for Seungkwanie—no offense, love._ Am I mistaken?”

“We…” Jihoon took a slow, labored breath. He did not owe these two some answers but Hansol was looking at him expectantly, like an adorable child patiently waiting for the huge Christmas tree at Covent Garden piazza to light up.

  
  


“ _We are not dating_.”

  
  


Hansol’s look of eagerness was quickly replaced by bewilderment, eyebrows shooting up and jaw dropping. He looked so gutted about this newfound information.

Seungkwan giggled at his boyfriend’s reaction, lightly tapping Hansol’s chin with his finger. “Close your mouth, love. Hyung was telling the truth.”

“ _That’s a load of codswallop!_ It does not make any sense at all. Hyung, please do not lunge at me but I think you absolutely look great together.” Hansol said, tone dripping off with innocence and sincerity. Seungkwan hummed in agreement, pleased at the pink coloring of his hyung’s cheeks. “A lot of people thought so too. I overheard my fellow Ravenclaws talking about Soonyoung hyung once at the Common Room. _Hey! Don’t give me that look...I wasn’t eavesdropping!_ ”

Seungkwan rubbed the tip of Hansol’s ears affectionately, letting out a half-suppressed, gleeful laugh. “I was only trying to yank your chains. Continue.”

Hansol could only shake his head at his boyfriend’s playfulness but the corners of his mouth were turned up, teeth and gums exposed. “Okay, back to the story, one of them has a huge crush on him—you know how popular he is with the ladies—but her friends instantly shut her down with _‘isn’t he dating Lee Jihoon?’_ then the topic shifted to your quote-unquote _relationship_.”

Jihoon had to look away. “But we are not in a romantic relationship. We are just—”

_“Friends?”_ Seungkwan completed the sentence for him. “Merlin’s mud pie! You are more oblivious than I thought! You’ve been telling yourself the same thing for how many years now, hyung? And this isn’t the first time someone has confronted you about this either. Even my lovely boyfriend right here thought you were dating! We are even in the same group of friends! And I am telling you, he isn’t the only one. Don’t hex me for saying this but the _sexual tension?_ Horrendous. _The pining?_ Tragic.”

“Ridiculous!” Jihoon slammed his fist on the table, looking appalled.

“Hyung, I think what Seungkwanie means is you act like an old married couple all the time.” Hansol intervened, horrified that Jihoon might lob the cutleries on their faces.

“Right. It’s gross and cute at the same time,” Seungkwan said with a shrug. “Your dynamics, the good-natured banters that often lead to petty debates, Soonyoung hyung calling you tacky terms of endearment, your understanding of each other’s weird body language, Soonyoung hyung’s tireless efforts to make you feel secure, and the look of fondness you give him every time convinced the entire school population that _you are more than just friends._ ” The younger added. 

That’s how friends are, right? The childish sallies, being aware of each other’s habits, what made them tick, the nuances in each other’s facial expressions—Jihoon swallowed, hard. Seungkwan’s eyes softened, noticing his hyung clutching the silverware on his hands tighter than ever, face turning pallid. He gently put his left hand above Jihoon’s white-knuckled grip then Hansol followed suit, a reassuring smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. If this was an ordinary day, Jihoon would have avoided the unnecessary contact but the warmth his friends were shedding was enough to lessen the anxiety, bringing him temporary comfort.

  
  
  
  


“Can you not see, hyung? He had always been special— _he had always been your only exception._ ”

* * *

  
  
  
  
A week had passed without Jihoon noticing. His academic workload was nothing but more hellish than ever but it served as an effective distraction from his deep contemplations that never seemed to fully work themselves out. He might as well live inside the library at this point. Sometimes, he was studying, oftentimes, napping soundly, getting away from the chaos and clamor of classes and extracurricular activities. Madam Pince was lenient enough not to throw him out whenever she caught him face planted on the study table, peacefully dozing his free period away. He terribly missed those days where the only thing he kept on fretting about was getting _O_ s and _E_ s in all his core subjects, impressing Professor McGonagall with his _animagi_ demonstration, proudly showing his potion-brewing prowess off in Professor Snape’s class, and handing the professors his essays on time, horror-struck at the idea of detention—no one wanted to polish Hogwarts’ countless ornate candelabra and to be deprived of a chance to a weekend at Hogsmeade. He sighed for days gone by, his Herbology essay on the significance of _fluxweed_ as an ingredient of _Polyjuice Potion_ long forgotten.

  
  


_“Would you mind if I sit here?”_

  
  


A familiar voice asked, giving him a jolt. With wide, bleary eyes, he looked up, all set to give whomever it was a piece of his mind but the rant promptly died on his tongue upon seeing Joshua beaming at him, obviously delighted.

“ _Morgana’s pudding!_ Hyung, you gave me a fright!” Jihoon moaned loudly, rubbing his chest in circles to calm his racing heart. Students from the nearby table shushed him, others had only given him a scowl.

Joshua chuckled, offering them a cordial smile for the disturbance he might have caused then turning to Jihoon to lovingly pat his head in mock apology. He could only glare at him in annoyance while the older man cautiously pulled a chair two seats apart from his and flopped down, setting a parchment, a quill and some hardcovers on the table.

Jihoon went back to his homework when Joshua did not initiate a conversation, rereading the lengthy paragraphs he had written to fact check and scan for any grammatical mistakes. Professor Longbottom might be less stern than Professor McGonaggal when it came to essays but being the nervous perfectionist he was, he ought to submit his works error-free. Both of them worked in complete silence for a few minutes, atmosphere a bit stuffy but not wholly unpleasant. Until he took notice of the peculiar, concerned glimpses his hyung was sending toward his direction—like he badly wanted to ask him something. He exhaled deeply before swishing his wand to cast a discreet _muffliato_ on the entire aisle before facing Joshua.

“Hyung, you know damn well I could see you from my periphery. You’re not even the slightest bit of subtle.” Jihoon warned, eyebrows raised. He purposely wanted to sound a little intimidating but the other seemed undaunted as he continued skimming the pages of _Wilhelm Wigworthy’s_ _“Home Life and Social Habits of British Muggles”_ with moderate interest.

“Hyung.” Jihoon was growing impatient, fingers tapping on the table.

_“All right.”_ Joshua began, facing the younger.

Jihoon chewed his lower lip, nervous for reasons he could not pinpoint. He had an inkling that Joshua already knew why he was hiding from everyone the past week (it was a pathetic talent of his—running away and hiding). The Ilvermorny transferee might be a more subdued version of Jeonghan but the two were very much like twins. Don’t be fooled by his poise and good manners, he was not sorted into Slytherin for nothing. He might not fit your usual Slytherin stereotypes (pompous, vainglorious Purebloods), keep in mind that you could not spell Slytherin without the word _sly_ in it and the pair were known for being the aforementioned word’s personification.

He inched closer, gaze intent. “It’s been days since the last time we saw you and to think we are both residing in the same dormitory. I never see you lounging at the Great Hall for meals either. And you seemed very stressed lately. How are you holding up? Are you even eating on time?”

_Was that it?_

“I am fine. I am sneaking some buttermilk biscuits here every now and then. As you can see, quite busy with a week worth of homework,” Jihoon tried to reply casually, refusing to meet the seventh year’s eyes. “How about you? I thought you loathe studying here.”

“I still do. It reminds me so much of my uncle’s huge haunted library at home and its otherworldly occupants. Those whacked-out ghost wranglers of some bizarro psychic unit from Wiltshire said something about _wrackspurts_ and a possible _umgubular slashkilter_ infestation. I honestly don’t know what those are. They most likely made it up on the spot to appease my fuming Uncle.” Joshua shuddered at the memory. One medium even coerced them into purchasing some large, funny-looking spectacles called _Spectrespecs_. It makes _wrackspurts_ visible to the human eye, they persuaded. “But to answer your question, Seokmin asked me to wait for him here. He needs help with Astronomy.”

He snickered, somewhat warming up to the chitter-chatter. “Having troubles with the star chart again?”

“Probably. I told him to pay attention to whatever Professor Sinistra is droning about so he wouldn’t have a hard time completing his courseworks. He never listens! I am so close to begging some Uagadou students for assistance.” The older sighed, tone defeated. “Anyway, your _boyfriend_ is worried about you like a cat on a hot tin roof.”

A frown immediately marred Jihoon’s face. He did not like where this was going. “ _Boyfriend?_ What boyfriend are you talking about? I don’t have one.”

  
  


“Isn’t _Soonyoungie_ your _beau_?”

  
  


“ _Bow?_ What bow?”

“I mean, _beau,_ silly.” Joshua let out a snort, eyes twinkling in amusement. “Beau as in _lover, boyfriend, sweetheart, significant other, admirer, darling._ ”

Jihoon drew back, eyes wide because _rubbish!_ Soonyoung was not his _beau!_ Heart drumming in his ears, a dozen curses swelled beneath his tongue, incredibly cheesed off. What’s up with everyone mistaking him and Soonyoung as couples?

  
  


“ _For the love of Montmorency, no!_ Who gave you that idea?” 

  
  


Joshua couldn’t help but offer him an irritatingly smug grin, like _you wanker, do you think I’d believe that?_ The itch to hurl a basket of black currants at his hyung’s face was tempting but that would be impolite. Plus, he was older—they loved pulling the _‘I am your senior’_ card on the youngsters whenever possible. Especially Seungcheol, playfully revelling in the prestige of being the oldest in their group (Jeonghan was rubbing off on him). It was a battle they will never win. His hyungs were insufferable like that.

“I am serious, hyung. Quit smirking at me.”

“What? _Teasing you brings me joy._ You get all defensive and highly strung. I am perfectly aware that the two of you are not together— _yet_.”

Jihoon gnashed his teeth in contempt. _“I hate you."_

“No, you don’t.” Joshua winked, confident, picking non-existent mucks from his knitted grey jumper. “By the way, it’s not like you’ve asked _willingly_ but Soonyoung almost got hit by a _Bludger_ during practice. He was too distracted, even falling off his broom once. You should check up on him, you know, _maybe kiss the bruises away?_ And now that you’re not playing for the upcoming match and aren’t around that much, Captain had seen this window of opportunity to give him a hard time. Lewis never scolds Soonyoung when you’re around, your presence makes him jittery, like you are going to snap his prized _Starsweeper XXI_ in half.”

“What a fumbling idiot.” He scoffed.

_“But you wouldn’t have any other idiot.”_ Joshua quipped.

Jihoon’s cheeks flushed, the tip of his ears pink from embarrassment. He was about to rebut when a jovial voice chimed in, interrupting their repartee.

  
  


_“Good day, gentlemen. Who is the lucky idiot we are talking about?”_

  
  


_“You.”_ Joshua replied flatly.

Seokmin inhaled sharply then clutched his jumper, feigning hurt. “Hey! Are you supposed to speak to your _boyfriend_ like that? Hyung, you are breaking my heart.”

His hyung let out an indignant huff.“You and your flair for dramatics. You should stop hanging out with Jeonghan and start studying more. Won’t you get banned from playing Quidditch if you scored another _D_ or _T_ in one of your subjects?”

_“Hyung! I am only bad at Astronomy, and maybe Potions, but—”_

The gears inside Jihoon’s brain paused—like a coin was jammed in between the revolving cogwheels—trying to process if he heard his friend correctly. _Boyfriend?_ But he thought Seokmin liked Soonyoung?

  
  


_Wait._

  
  


He released the breath he didn’t know he was holding. _“You guys are together?”_

  
  


Joshua seemed genuinely stunned at the inquiry whilst Seokmin looked shy, embarrassed even, scratching his nape sheepishly like he was caught doing something unlawful. The two shared a look until the younger had given him a perfunctory nod, _a go signal_.

_“Yes.”_ Joshua replied, reaching for Seokmin’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “For quite a while now, actually. I am surprised you did not notice? Jeonghan had been telling me we are getting too obvious—and bolder. Soonyoung even caught us holding hands at the greenhouse a month ago and I am pretty sure Seungkwanie knows about it too, I swear the kid has ears everywhere. Well, we are going to officially announce it to the whole squad before Christmas break anyway.”

“Hyung, I am sorry for keeping it a secret from you!” The younger bawled. “We are not really trying to hide it from everyone in the first place but Joshua hyung thought it would be fun to let everyone speculate about what is the real score between us, you know how he is.”

Joshua’s eyes narrowed at the last statement. “And what are you trying to imply, mister?”

Jihoon watched as the two squabble like he was not there but their eyes flickered with something akin to devotion. Seokmin was pouting now, his hyung laughing victoriously for winning the pseudo argument. They looked very much... _in love._

Jihoon unknowingly grinned. “Congratulations, hyung, Seokminie. This is wonderful news. I am happy for the both of you.”

In an instant, Seokmin’s face brightened up, treading forward to give him a grateful hug. He patted his back, a simple gesture to reassure him that he approved of their relationship.

“Thank you, hyung.” Seokmin mumbled, before he pulled back, eyes brimming with tears. “For a moment, I got scared you would not be okay with it too.”

Jihoon clipped his arms, pretending to act offended. “You tosser! Why would I not be?”

_“You know how people are, Jihoon.”_ Joshua replied, his expression faltered but only for a few seconds. He went back to his seat, tugging Seokmin to sit beside him. “As much as we try to be casual about it, unfortunately, not everyone would be happy about this set-up. Uncle was furious. Sent me a _howler_ , you know, yapping about the usual Pureblood supremacy rubbish and Seokmin being a Muggleborn. But Mom...Mom was surprisingly calm about the whole ordeal but not exactly... _accepting._ I was already expecting that kind of reaction, growing up in a traditional Pureblood household like Jeonghan, Soonyoung and Wonwoo, but that does not make the shunning hurt any less. It seems far-fetched at the moment but I do hope they come around one day.”

Seokmin scooted his chair closer to Joshua’s, its feet scraping against the floor. Carefully, the younger outstretched his arm to hold his boyfriend’s hand on his own. The act was austerely touching, intimate, easing the tension on Joshua’s shoulders. Jihoon had never seen these two smile like this, not with such tenderness and unguarded felicity, eyes crinkling with passion.

“How do you do it then?” He could not stop himself from asking, thoughts in a state of turmoil. “I mean, how do you openly express your love for one another with all these cruel, judging eyes watching you like vultures?”

_Silence._ He was met with silence. Jihoon looked down, body filled with trepidation, ashamed that he might have ruined the mood. Guilt flared inside him. It stretched for an agonizing moment before the older of the two offered him a kind, tepid beam.

  
  
  


“Why do we have to listen to the verdict of these shallow beings who have nothing to do with us and this relationship? _I am happy, Seokmin is happy—isn’t that what’s important?_ ”

* * *

  
  
  
  
In hindsight, Jihoon did not expect to set foot on this very room ever again. Poorly made decisions often lead to self-reproach and that was how he felt as he walked past the section of a blank wall thrice to make a door of a magical room sprout out of nowhere, painting a vivid picture of the imposing, gold-framed mirror that was haunting his dreams the past weeks inside his head. The Room of Requirement was different from what he had seen the last time, stripped bare of its contents. Towers of mildewed books, winged catapults, damaged furniture and rusting cauldrons nowhere to be found. The room was the size of a chapel with high Gothic windows, a lone chandelier mounted on the ceiling. Its interior reminded him of Cathédrale Notre-Dame de Paris in France, with its ribbed vaults minus the breathtaking stained-glass windows. It was empty except for the Mirror of Erised standing tall in the middle of the room, its mere mystic presence enough to intimidate him.

_“You are one barmy nincompoop, Lee Jihoon.”_ He murmured to himself, his hands trembling slightly as he peeled the black velvet fabric covering the mirror.

He had been troubled, unduly so, with how this one disgruntling reflection in the mirror preceded a series of heart-to-hearts with some friends that kindled some measly speck of hope. It latched on his skin, prickled down his spine. But hope was a dangerous thing. It meant acting on his feelings— _a confession_ —no, he could not afford to ruminate on the idea. It would change everything, the nerve-wracking image of being rejected beginning to take a threatening shape. 

He stared at the mirror for a moment after reading the inscription backwards, then a figure began surfacing—the same figure he had seen the first time. There it was, the projection of his yearning and perhaps, _a mockery._ A ghastly reminder of what he wanted them to be.

  
  


_“Seeing something interesting?”_

  
  


Jihoon had bowled over, quickly craning his head around, getting a whiplash. He had found himself looking at Seungcheol’s dimpled smile and dull, umber eyes. He was too engrossed in thought that he did not even hear the padded footsteps approaching him.

“ _Seungcheol hyung?_ _Bugger!_ You startled the wits out of me! I— _how did you_ —wait. What are you even doing here?”

Seungcheol huffed a laugh. “I could ask you the same thing. Who would’ve thought I would find you here?”

“You know about this place too?”

The Gryffindor nodded. “Well, Jeonghan, Joshua and I accidentally stumbled upon this room back in second year, searching for a place to hide after being chased by a wrathful Mrs. Norris for wandering around the halls after curfew. She was one nippy, intuitive cat.”

“Troublemakers.” Jihoon snickered.

“Shut up.” Seungcheol playfully punched his arm. “We were desperate. Snape’s detention is the worst and we don’t want to get on his bad side. Our thirteen year old selves were very much scandalized at the idea of pickling rats’ brains in the dungeons.”

“Atrocious.” His face crumpled in disgust, reminded of that one time Junhui and Soonyoung disemboweled a barrel full of horned toads as a punishment for blowing up a copper cauldron of _Draught of Peace_ during Potions class, setting both of their robes alight. Professor Snape was fuming the entire week.

“I know. So, how did you discover this room?” Seungcheol asked, genuinely curious.

“Well, your cheeky boyfriend brought me here.”

  
  


_“Ex-boyfriend.”_ Seungcheol automatically corrected.

  
  


“ _Oh, right._ I am sorry, hyung.”

The realization swiftly followed but it felt useless to apologize again. He kept on forgetting— _Seungcheol and Jeonghan were not together anymore._ They remained friends but there was a wired dissonance stuck on every interaction. Like a cacophony of untuned instruments in an orchestra. But they made it work— _they had to make it work._

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s been what? _Eight months?_ Cliché but some things are not meant to be, no matter how tight your grasp is. Break ups would always leave you with no other choice but to move on.”

  
  


_“Well, have you?”_

  
  


A woeful smile graced Seungcheol’s lips, one that he knew too well. _“Trying to.”_

  
  


A minute passed until he broke the deafening silence. “ _Hyung?_ What do you see when you look in the mirror?”

The query caught Seungcheol off guard but still obligingly replied. “It is not really a _what_ but a _who_.”

“ _Who_ is it then?” Jihoon did not have to ask, truth be told.

  
  


_“Jeonghan."_

  
  


Jihoon remembered how Jeonghan’s expression morphed into a pained one when he had asked him to look at the mirror. Maybe he had seen the same thing— _an excruciating reminder of a lost love._

“You never told me the reason behind your break up. Would you spare me the details this time?” He pushed boldly.

“A tell-all interview, then?”

“Sod off. You make it sound like we are on a second-rate late-night talk show.” Jihoon derided. “You don’t have to divulge everything if you’re not comfortable.”

“Very well. It’s about time I tell you my piece.” Seungcheol began, seemingly nervous. “His family despised every fiber of my being. _A rough start for a story, isn’t it?_ We’ve been keeping our relationship a secret, the reason why it took us months before we decided to tell you guys the truth. But news flew fast despite the both of us keeping it lowkey. The next thing we knew, I was invited to attend his family’s annual Christmas ball with the Kwons and Jeons as their esteemed guests. I insisted on going despite Jeonghan’s brazen refusal. We fought, accusing him of feebleness. I thought he was simply ashamed to have a muggle lover. I had never seen him so upset before. I was off my trolley. It felt like I had to prove something, like I had to prove my love for him. I had considered it a trial and bravely owled his mother back to inform them of my attendance. I walked right into their trap.”

_“You and your Gryffindor courage.”_ Jihoon chided, furious at what transpired. “You’re a complete nitwit, Choi Seungcheol.”

“I’ve figured you would say that.” Seungcheol chuckled, embarrassed of his own gullibility. “Setting foot on their manor was a disaster waiting to happen. I was the only muggle-born there. Whilst his younger sister does not actively discriminate or treat me with antipathy, she strongly believes in inherent Pureblood ascendancy. But Jeonghan’s parents...they strictly uphold the traditions. They threatened to disown Jeonghan, strip him off bare, and destroy his future if he doesn't stop his involvement with me—in front of his entire kin, heedless of the attention. I was beyond enraged. I had found myself face to face with Jeonghan’s father after his vile tirades, calling him out on his twisted beliefs. Soonyoung and Wonwoo had to hold me back because Mr. Yoon would not hesitate to decapitate me if I retaliated more. _I couldn’t do anything, Jihoon._ I couldn’t do anything for him... _for us._ I was rendered powerless in the hands of these overbearing elites. Then weeks after the incident, we broke up, as expected. It was a forced, unsatisfying mutual agreement. If I wasn’t so stubborn, maybe it could’ve ended differently... _maybe I could’ve saved us._ ”

Seungcheol let out a shaky sigh, anxiety-bitten fingers combing through his hair as he took a peek at the reflection again. “But there was no point in trying to hold on to the vestiges he left behind. The break up was inevitable. Perhaps we could have prevented it, perhaps not—but we did not even try. We could have fought for our relationship. I was very much inclined to do that— _but Jeonghan wasn’t._ And as disappointing it might be, we left it at that. We had chosen the easy way out, thinking it would hurt less.”

  
  


_“Did it hurt less?”_ He breathed.

  
  


Seungcheol smiled solemnly. “No matter how much I prepared myself for the worst, it still hurt like hell, even as I craved to be proven wrong. _The pain was unimaginable._ ”

  
  


Jihoon inched closer to Seungcheol’s side, putting a hand on his shoulder, a small gesture of comfort. Why do something as trivial as blood purity have to ramshackle special bonds like this? His heart wrenched.

  
  


“What about you, Jihoon?” Seungcheol asked, breaking the silence. “ _Who_ do you see in the mirror?”

  
  


_“I think—”_ Jihoon paused, carefully thinking about what to say next. “I think you already know _who_ it is.”

  
  


_“Kwon Soonyoung?”_

  
  


He nodded, though a bit irresolute, pessimism resurfacing from the darkest spaces of his mind.

_“Are you planning to confess then?”_

A pensive silence sailed between them. He felt his chest twinge in concern, unable to respond. Upon hearing his best friend’s side of the story, his newfound hope dissipated. And just like Jeonghan, Soonyoung came from the crème de la crème of wizarding families—a Pureblood with promising connections. _Jihoon would only ruin his life._

“You are already thinking far ahead, I could tell.”

_“I—What—”_ he started off, and then stopped, and tried again. “ _What if I mess it up?_ What if the feeling is not mutual like what everyone else had been implying?”

His thoughts were severely tumultuous, obsessing on every _what if_ , on every possibility there was. Could he really risk his friendship with Soonyoung for something he was not even sure of? For something that could be possibly _temporary_? These uncertainties were exactly one of the reasons why he was struggling with sorting his feelings out, consumed by the need to conceal it— _unmistakably a foolproof method of sabotaging his own shot at happiness._

“You are not me, Jeonghan is not Soonyoung. You would not end like us. Even just for a second, Jihoon— _kindly stop thinking you would end up like us._ ” Seungcheol had said, grinning softly as he flicked his forehead.

“Indecisiveness and cowardice would not take you anywhere, Jihoon. Take it from a rueful Gryffindor.”

  
  


* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [taps mic] Greetings of peace! My sincerest apologies if it took me a while to come back and update. I took an earnest interest in literature again lately and spent the last months reading and checking off every book in my to-read list. A meaningful task, really. But enough about me!
> 
> I know this was long overdue but I do hope you enjoy reading the entire thing. And if you had noticed, I took the liberty to add another chapter solely because this particular update was getting a bit long for my own liking. It exceeded 9000 words already, still unfinished, so I decided to cut it in half. Also, the first chapter was—again—tweaked until I was content (just to make the two chapters more cohesive; felt like there was a change in my writing style). No major changes in the plot though, you could give it another read. But worry not, I would not drag the story line any longer (if push comes to shove, I might add another chapter—drawn character profiles, maybe?). You could expect Soonyoung's appearance (and the other members) next chapter and of course, definitely more angst.
> 
> Anyway, this is getting unnecessarily lengthy. Be gay, do crimes, dabble in occult or witchcraft, and more importantly, stamp out racism/chauvinism/bigotry, do not let incompetent politicians ruin your entire day and do not let colossal enterprises and money-swilling capitalists suck the life out of you. Liability is a necessity; hold the government and the people running it accountable! #BatasHindiDahas #ResistTyranny #ResistTheFascist #OustTheTurtle #BlackLivesMatter
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own anything. You can check my purse.
> 
> How are you liking this story so far? Any kind of criticisms are very much appreciated (but let us all practice politeness). Feel free to comment if you have any questions, violent reactions or suggestions. Apologies in advance for any grammatical errors, bad characterizations, and the plethora of dashes and open/close parenthesis (it's all on me; this chapter was not beta-read—everything was edited and re-edited by yours truly). Do not hesitate to point those out. 
> 
> A feedback and kudos would also be nice. Thank you! Stay safe, darlings.


	3. unanticipated fizzles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [aggressively taps microphone] For my readers. Kindly read until the end (there might be a preview of the next chapter at the End Notes— _definitely not a spoiler_ —kidding, it is).

* * *

My sincerest apologies to everyone who are patiently waiting for updates. Regrettably, I am experiencing another creativity funk and I am trying my best to flush it all out of my system. Every single time I try to force myself to write, my brain's left and right hemispheres get a little bit closer to one another, on their way to merging into one giant mush. Worry not, I had finished plotting the entirety of the series and I do work on the last two chapters whenever I get sudden bursts of inspiration. Rest assured I will not, in any way, discontinue writing this particular piece.

Putting all these to considerations, I am halting updates for this fic _until further notice_.

And for other content creators feeling a tad bit passionless lately: _it's okay._ Taking breaks are necessary. Unleashing your creativity takes a lot of energy—take a nap, summon fairies, sacrifice your hapless souls to witches in the woods, dabble in occult, do some introspective tree-gazing, lure your enemy into a catacomb by promising him a vintage-tasting excursion only to forcefully sepulcher him inside right after (in pace requiescat!), and more importantly, rest. _Then try again._

Thank you for the countless feedback, kudos, and bookmarks. You keep me going (despite the obvious lack of motivation). I am not expecting people would actually sit down and read this awfully self-indulgent fanfic but here you are—I am beyond grateful.

See you soon.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **As a gift (happy holidays!) and an apology (for not updating), here is a preview of the third chapter:**
> 
> _"Jihoon’s mind was riddled with his recent conversations with his friends. As much as he had strived to not dwell on his newfound feelings that much by avoiding the object of those piffling affections and burying his nose on his thick books, he had found himself wondering about Soonyoung more. Whilst the latter had a talent for self-expression despite being an introvert, speaking his mind with deft, Jihoon was the exact opposite. He was someone who mindlessly chucked his feelings deep into the eternal abyss, intentionally pushing and pushing it until it was out of conscious awareness. But these particular feelings appeared to be frightfully stronger this time that suppression was out of the question. It shook his world into an abrupt halt, not used to being plagued by the unfathomable."_


End file.
